Building Self-Esteem in Your Children

Part 5: Building Self-Esteem in Your Children "Self-Esteem-Quick and Easy!"

Part 1: Building Self-Esteem in Your Child

One of the perennial complaints children have of their parents goes along the lines of, "Stop bugging me! You're always nagging me!"

Is this true? Actually, research suggests that it's not the number of times you attempt to correct a child's behavior, but the percentage of negative comments compared to positive comments, as well as how you phrase your concerns.

In this column, we'll look at the first issue (percentages). In the next column, we'll look at how to phrase your concerns.

How many times can you "get away with" correcting your child's behavior in a given day? In some cases, once may be too often. In other cases, the number is almost unlimited.

What determines the appropriate number of concerns you can raise? It depends on how many positive comments you make during the course of the day.

Examples:

Children are actually no different from adults in this respect. If your spouse is always nagging you and never making any positive comments, you know how "old" it gets. Yet, if your spouse or boss regularly tells you how much you are appreciated, then you are in a much better frame of mind to hear and consider an occasional concern.

Try this experiment: For the next week, find reasons to make at least five positive comments to your child each day: "You really worked hard cleaning your room." "Thanks for eating all your supper." "You're really trying hard on your homework."

During the same time period, try to limit any criticisms or concerns to no more than one or two a day. See if there's a difference in how they respond to the criticisms or concerns. Next time: Some effective ways to word your concerns so they will be taken in the right spirit.

Part 2: Building Self-Esteem in Your Children

If you have the opportunity to talk with well-adjusted emotionally-healthy adults and ask them how they became that way, the vast majority will give credit to their own parents. They will probably cite a number of things their parents did to help them grow up happy and healthy, but at the top of almost everyone's list will be three things:

That is until you receive "emotional clearance" from your children, they will not want to listen to what you're saying. "Emotional clearance" is the opportunity for them to discuss what they've been thinking and feeling recently about certain issues-social, emotional, intellectual, etc.

Just as you don't like having people "lecture" you on what you should and shouldn't do or think, children resent it, too.

Example: A topic of discussion comes up, and your child expresses an opinion that you disagree with and feel is based on very limited information. You can immediately tell your child that his or her opinion is wrong, and then try to replace it with your own. Don't expect much success.

The other option is to respond with something like, "That's an interesting opinion. How did you come up with it? Tell me more." Spend several minutes listening to your child, asking questions, and encouraging her or him to expound on his or her ideas. Express your admiration for the thought processes she or he has gone through to develop the opinion. Finally, you will have "emotional clearance" with your child, in that he or she knows you fully understand her or his position. Now, you can get your "two cents worth" in, beginning with something like, "Let me give you some of my thought on the topic. You may want to think about some of these and add them to your own opinion." At this point, your child is totally receptive to your ideas and will probably listen very carefully and intently, for two reasons:

Naturally, if your ideas are better, chances are your child may quietly begin rethinking her or his own position. But don't insist on it. If it happens, it will happen on its own.

Part 3: Building Self-Esteem in Your Children

One of the most important components of self-esteem is a person's reputation. As such, everything you can do to help protect the good name of those who you know and love can go a long way toward building self-esteem in everyone in your life.

Consider this scenario: Your child comes home from school and excitedly shares the latest bit of negative "gossip" on someone at school.

Do you:

Following this rule every day of your life is really nothing more than living out the philosophy of the American justice system-innocent until proven guilty. Look at it this way: Imagine you were being charged with a crime in court. The prosecution presents its case as to why you should be found guilty. Now it's your turn to explain your side of the story. However, before you have your chance, the judge pounds his gavel and pronounces: "I've heard enough. I've already made up my mind. Guilty!"

Each and every time you allow your children to believe gossip they hear about someone else without getting that other child's side of the story directly, you're basically short-circuiting the American justice system.

Just as you wouldn't like having people spreading negative stories about you, it really isn't fair to allow your children to believe all the negative things they hear about others.

Here's a safe policy to follow when you hear something negative about someone. Ask this question: Do I really need to get the other person's side of the story?

You'll almost always be surprised to find that there are two sides to every story, and the new information you receive will really make you question the validity of the negative gossip you heard in the first place.

Part 4: Building Self-Esteem in Your Children "Why is YOUR Child Unique?"

Various surveys conducted over the past three decades report that only between 20% and 60% (depending on the particular survey) of Americans enjoy their jobs and careers. Why is this the case? One reason is that very few people have a good sense of their unique talents and abilities-the things at which they really excel. As such, they end up in the wrong jobs.

As parents, we quite often do a very good job of reinforcing our very young children when they do something special. After about age six, though, there is a tendency for many parents to stop complimenting their children. By the teen years, reporting on one's accomplishments with well-deserved pride is considered bragging, and most parents counsel their children to stop thinking so well of themselves at the time in their lives when they so desperately need to feel good about themselves.

As to why it's acceptable for very young children to excitedly tell their parents about the special things they do, and why it becomes less acceptable over the years, is beyond the scope of this column.

It's important to remember that you are not "bragging on" your children for being "better than" everyone else. Rather, you are identifying natural gifts that your children have been given and then complimenting them for using these gifts.

Some children feel that they have nothing special at all to offer. I have yet to run across one person who doesn't have at least one unique talent. I can cite some examples from the volunteer work I do in classrooms:

Some children don't excel in academics at all. However, they may be excellent in sports. They may have a special knack for making other children feel included. They may have a smile and twinkle in the eye that brightens up every room they enter. They may be excellent artists or musicians. The list of special gifts is endless, and EVERY child possesses at least one-usually more than one.

As parents, then, one the greatest gifts you can give your children is to constantly highlight their special gifts. Help your children appreciate what they have been given and encourage them to make the most of these gifts.

If you do this year after year, chances are good that by the time your children are ready to select careers, they will have a really solid sense of where their strengths are, what they really enjoy, and therefore which careers hold promise for utilizing these special talents and abilities.

Next to just loving your children unconditionally, this may well be the very best gift you can give them.

Part 5: Building Self-Esteem in Your Children "Self-Esteem-Quick and Easy!"

If you're looking for a great way to build self-esteem in your children, there is a quick, easy, and fun exercise you can conduct with any group of children. It works great in the classroom, at birthday parties, and anywhere else you have gatherings of four or more children. The only requirement is that they be old enough to write (or that you have a lot of volunteers who can help them write).

Give each child a half-sheet of poster board and some string. Tie the poster board around their necks (with the poster board hanging down their backs). Then, give each child a marker, pen, pencil, etc.

Then have the children go around and begin writing one or two words on the back of every other child's poster board-the one or two words that describe what the child likes best about that other child (e.g.: "Nice Smile," "Friendly," "Sharing," etc.).

In a room of 20 students, you should end up with 20 students each with a list of 20 words on their poster boards when they finally remove them.

I've seen this activity take place before, and you wouldn't believe the looks of delight on each child's face when they read what their classmates and friends have written about them.

Not only do the children keep the poster boards, but the memories of the experience can last decades.

As I have mentioned so often in this column, it's so important to take the time to tell your children just how special they are. When they hear it from their classmates and friends, it can mean even more.

Some informal research shows that, when teachers conduct this exercise in their classrooms, disruptive incidents tend to decrease for quite a while after the exercise. Reason: "How can I call so-and-so a jerk, when he may have been the one who wrote 'Friendly' on my poster board?" they may say to themselves.

As such, teachers may want to consider using this activity once every couple of months. (It can make the classroom a lot more conducive to learning by cutting down on disruptions.) It also makes birthday parties and other gatherings a lot more meaningful, and a lot more memorable.